I can't think of one.

I just remembered something that makes me extremely happy.

Maiz con Hielo. It's my favorite "dessert."

I have corn, a shaver for ice and hm do i have condensed milk? I wonder.

I'm extremely good these days. (:
i don't have much to say.


Today, the clouds dispersed and we were finally able to see blue skies.
The streets were covered with people walking on sidewalks.
The view during the drive to and from Glendale was amazing today because the rain pushed the smog down, unable to be seen. Things are so clean.

I'm so happy for earth right now
(:

"Living the life of Riley"

// rain against the winshield
// watching people cook YUM!
// random poppin' music adventures
// puzzle ["gems"] fighter
// drums on rock band
// the dance game on wii
// observing people in public areas
// swinging at the park
// CS at egames
// seeing downtown LA clearly after rain
// cherry carmex twisties
// making copies
// candid photographs
// taste tea runs
// drives along PCH
// pomegranate shower gel
// swimming in a sea of warm blankets
// moments
// Scrubs
// causing trouble

Mmm...

these thoughts soothe me.
<3

I Don't Need Your Love

Colleen's "I'll Read You a Story" really gets me pumped.
It's ability to do so is rad because the music is so stripped, so simiple.
It's so bare.

It's making me see things through different perspectives and angles.
I feel like I'm on a ride. So much suspence. I don't know what's going to happen, what's coming up next. I hold tight! Hoping that i feel more secure in my skin, but that doesn't change the course.


Mmm. I love the suspense.

I feel love, ecstacy, hopelessness, confidence, anger, peace, annoyance, and lust all at once.

I just want to say some last words to all of you,
You guys taught me a great deal, and I hope that if I leave any mark with you, it's to be good people. All we fuckin need is love -- something I believe most of you lack. All you want is to be loved, and to gain that love, you hate. You hate, you talk, gossip, crave attnetion, you envy, you scheme.

...

3 men find their friend dead.
They ask the people around what happened to their friend.
Who killed him?!

An old man replies to them and says "Death killed your friend."
Enraged, they begin their search for Death.
The old man points them in the direction of a tree that they would be sure to find Death under.

When they reached their destination a bag of money rested under the tree.

They knew they'd need food and drink for the night so each man drew a straw to determnine which one of them would return to the village and bring back food and drink.

While the one ventured to get food and drink, the other two men planned to kill him. The man returns with food and drink and the other two men, kill him. To rejoice, they drink the wine, but the man who brought the wine poisoned it hoping to kill them off first.

They all die.
Under this tree.
They find Death.

Haha. Be careful. Ironically they are angry that death has killed their friend, but would like to kill death to teach him a lesson. How hypocritical is that!

And they find death hahahaha. under the tree.

mmm.

I love chaucer.

It's not Rocket Science!

I know what you're thinking:
"Justine won't shut up about Rocket Science."

Well, no I can't.
It's just too good.
How can I keep my mouth shut about something so great
I feel like it should be shared!
It's an amazing film.

Someone who doesn't have a (clear) voice is able to speak through emotions and actions. The protagonist possesses so much passion.

Sometimes I feel like there are things that hinder me from speaking out loud or speaking clearly. I often wonder why I can't stay on track, why I forget so much about the point I'm trying to make at that moment that I try to convey my emotions or feelings.

AH.


This film has inspired me! Go check it out. Comes out on Tuesday, the 29th.
BUY IT. It'll change your life.



...

After listening to The Secret, life make a lot of sense to me.
I've been so naive the past year.
Not to say that the past year was horrid, or that I'd acted purely immature or anything, I just think that in the past year, I didn't grow, didn't push myself, didn't allow for myself to reach my fullest potential. And I have potential. And I shall reach. Everyone's got it.. potential. There comes a time, where you can't really beat around the bush any longer. We need to keep walking -- keep moving. Obstacles will arise, but we need to keep pushing harder and harder each time, because there's so much more on the "other side."

Recently I've learned that I am beautiful. I care a lot about simple things. I am strong, and I can do the things I've often led myself to believe I couldn't; it feels amazing to have finally realized this. I've learned that I am a good person, that my actions really do matter to the people that I should be surrounding myself with. I have so much passion inside for the things that I'm doing right now. There will be and end to each phase I go through, and then another chapter starts and my story is able to progress -- story line gets more complicated, but simpler. My mind is more at ease. Everything flows better. I've grown out of fragmentation. I'm able to connect the things that were left unconnected so many times before.

Rejuvenation.


BTW
Colleen on a rainy day soothes me.

Satisfying Loss

I did it --
something I can't say I've done in a while.


YUM!


Alright. So anyway, things are good.
I'm always sleepy.

&lately, my blogs have become like my bulletins.
irrelevant
stupid

there's just something lacking.
i guess i still hold back some emotions,
but it's going to be okay. it will. if i keep going!

ATTENTION!

I have ways of getting mine.



ITS PATHETIC.
I MUST STOP.

Incongruity

I don't walk, I wobble.

WHY?! Because I had a great work out two days ago; it's left me with a pain so deep it makes it difficult for me to walk around.

My left thigh is sore from the work out more so than my right which explains why I straggle in my weary attempt to walk.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS OLDBOY.




OH. I'm registering for my CBEST.
Those who think they can help me may do so. I really need to study.
(:

Recuperating

I probably have the best supervisor ever.
Words can't even express how much she means to me.

It's now that I'm beginning to understand my feelings.
No longer do I doubt myself. There's no reason for me to believe I can't do anything I want to.

Well, Shauna asked me a question today that I had an answer for.
It was a firm response, nothing flimsy at all.
I can't believe that I have come this far (in life).

I lacked the confidence that it took to be a strong individual
who was able to stand up for herself. Now, I've regained the strength
to fight for what I believe in, and I believe that I've done great things.

School came up, and she told me to fight. Chris tells me to Kick ass. She tells me to fight like a lion or tiger she says. RAWR. I WILL CONQUER.

:]

(insert a witty title here)

Lost one.

What the hell?
Suicide at USC?! That hasn't happened in 2.5 years.

I really pray that the family of this student is doing well.
R.I.P. Scott Frohlich



By the way Debbie, if you're reading this, Hip Hop is at 830 tonight.
Chao!

New Beginnings

School's in! I'm finally back on track ready to focus and kick some ass.
I'm seriously stoked about this semester because things are looking great.
My classes seem more enjoyable, and more centered on things I should find myself intrigued with.


This past week I'd dealt with a lot, and it all seems to be getting better every second! The weekend was great! Jenn came home from Australia just in time for her birthday &did we celebrate! I've met new people that have helped me out a lot. Things are just dandy.


I can't wait to see what this new year will bring for me (:
actually.. just what more it will bring.

I think I'm learning a lot, and I feel like I've grown up some more weee!



DEBBIE,
have a good day at work today, and please enjoy this update (:

STOP POINTING OUT

Stop protruding -- projecting.
STOP.

no, pause for a second.
pause means continuation.
STOP.

Listen, just listen to the music.
Pause. Wonder. Just stop it.

It's done! Oh joy.

Not enough words.
Do you ever wonder.. with all the words we've created in our English language, does every words exactly fit or suit every feeling, or event, or.. ah maybe every word does cover ever feeling. Don't you just ever wonder though? Do words limit our perceptions and what we believe or what we have potential to think?



How can someone talk and talk and talk and be so loud and so obnoxious and crazy and childish, but mature, and spontaneous, and happy, and sad, and mad, and furious, and resilient? Lunacy. And how can someone who acts on how she feels, what she thinks..

How is she not able to speak everything she feels inside?
Are there not enough words? What's out there? Adventure?

Or is she just not good with words she keeps going round and round
circles.

ends where she begins.

cycles.

bicycle (:

i am where i began.
and if i can recall
[and vivdly]
i was doing remarkably then. i am there now.


"I put my foot to the floor,
To make up the miles I've been losing.
See I'm running out of things,
I didn't even know I was using.
And while you've been busy learning how to complain
I've been busy learning how to make a change
I made it"

One Step at a Time

I am so grateful for the life I live.
No seriously. I know I've been "bleh" for a while, but I'm coming to a realization step by step that everything that we encounter is never a waste. Things don't always go as planned or work out the way we want them to, but that doesn't have to stop us from pushing. We work our little butts off till we get to our destination!

It always sucks to have that lessoned learned shit happen to you, but what do you do when it happens? You can take the lessons you've learned and apply them to your daily life, or just complain.

Well, I'm tired of complaining.


It seems as though the events in my life are -- I guess -- indigestible (all at once), it comes with ease to know that all the spoiled occurrences that we label icky don't matter in essence. What really matters is the outcome that comes from these things. The circumstances are there to alter our perceptions. Don't focus on them, they're cheap. I'm learning day by day that the sun is on it's way out outta those gloomy clouds. Although I like the rain, maybe I like it too much. I think I end up making things rain on me, and I'm tired of that.

In life we take detours -- different routes. Whatever. All these roads intertwine anyway; and in some way or another, the goal we try to attain shall be ours. It might take more time. It may not, but we'll get there.

For all the friends I have that help me discover who I really am as a person, Thank you. I'm glad that I have friends that care enough to tell me (not directly) my faults. These are the things that I need to know to improve.


All I'm focusing on now-a-days is just bettering myself FOR MYSELF (period).
In turn, after getting better, I'll be able to help more of YOU out! (:



CLOSURE
p.s. I'll always love you. I'm glad we're great friends. Love takes time to heal, but I'll be just fine. Now, you can rest assure that what you're doing with your life now is okay with me. Truthfully, it hurts, but it's normal. It WILL heal. That's what I'm looking forward to. I just want you to be happy -- no matter what the source of happiness is for you.

Fin.

Eureka

i found my license :]

Gotta Shape UP

I'm hooked to the secret :]
It really does help through daily life.

There will be times where I think of something that I miss or that I have lost.
Then when I start applying The Secret to the experience of thought (in my head), I realize what it was that I'd done wrong or could have done differently. I don't regret anything, I could have done things differently. If I still could, I would. Sometimes I fear it's too late to change a thing about myself, but it's never too late.

It's only too late in my mind. AND NORMALLY, I'd be pissed about having wasted time in my life, but I have to let that all go a little bit.

If I don't start improving myself now, then will I complain about how unhappy I am with myself for the rest of my life for all my friends to get bored of me leaving me with NO friends and then complaining even more?! not to say that that will actually happen, but you know.. gotta take those precautions. Is that right?


ANYWHO
hopefully this makes sense.



I'll write more later.
I just really can't wait to shape up.

miscommunigrammar

For the past two posts I've made, I'd noticed MANY MANY MANY typos. Hm. That's unlike me, and Debbie declared her disappointment in me last night with so much conviction she actually made me feel like she was upset. Too bad I can't take her seriously ever. JK.



I've felt very productive the past few days. My workout is my outlet, and I've been sleeping earlier :]

I think I may have some viruses on my computer.
Too bad I'm not a computer genius..

Now We're Cooking with Grease!

Many days I'd dreaded coming to work.
I notice that if I'm not rewarded or acknowledged for the great work I do, I become very fragile and a lack of motivation occurs. Last Friday changed EVERYTHING for me. When my supervisor told me that she was going to have me put in a different office this next week.. Well, whatever. But I love it here.

I actually have my own desk here -- not a cubicle, but a desk in my own gigantic office because I'm a little girl. I have internet access, a telephone, my own drawers. AND I'm reading applications that come in to USC for acceptance hehehe suckers.

I know I sound really mischievious, but that's because I am :]
No worries, you can trust that all your applications get in on time cause I'm a good worker :D


But no, I don't just like coming into work because of the privacy and perks of having my OWN office, but Shauna the supervisor down here is amazing. She's a very strong, encouraging, black woman &she makes me feel so special down here. She ACTUALLY gives me work and compliments me for my good work. I hope I get more projects to do down here instead of where I usually work. What I usually would be doing is getting paid to waste my time sitting for 4-5 hrs a day. At least I feel productive down here, and in turn I get a friendly compliment on my work. I'm on a roll down here so much that Shauna says "Now we're cookin' with grease!" and she makes me laugh cause she's so nice and warm and down-to-earth, and different.

Every day since the New Year had past, I'd cried my little eyes out. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of the great times that had occurred in my past relationship. C'mon. Even WAL-MART got to me. I started balling. But you know what, I do look forward to a good cry sometimes cause I know that there will be an end to all this. At the end of the road, I will find something -- or nothing. But nothing is something. So ha! No, seriously either I will, or something will find me and fix me :D I can't wait for that day, but I'll take it a day at a time. I've been doing great these past few days!

Not to be mistakened.. I really am still sad.
I don't understand why I'm so sad anyway, but we all will go through this once in our lives. Then you'll understand if you already don't.

I hate saying "I'm okay" when I'm not, but I hate to bother you with my mundane life. Thus, I pay the consequenses of companionship with a roll of bath tissue and puffy eyes. BUT LIKE I SAID!!! It'll all be over soon, AND I know that life goes on :]





Thanks for being there for me if you have.

goal reminders:
I'm going to lose 30lbs.
On the way, I'll be more flexible from the work outs and stretching
I'm going to quit smoking.

good things:
accomplished a lot today in the office.
i haven't cried for 1.5 days.
games are fun with close friends.
tabooooo
lots of snow
beautiful weather.

Tip the scale.

The law of attraction says that like attracts like.
For the past month or two, I'd lost faith in my friends.
"How can one little girl put a huge crack in the window?!"
I'm only one person that does what I can for not just ONE of my friends, but for all; yet you all make me feel as thought I have NONE of you to lend a shoulder for me to cry on.

I felt like this for the past few months mainly because I feel that my main support had often been too busy to keep me company. I looked elsewhere. Nothing. No one. A positive mind turned negative I'd become a "crazy" person. Often in the tales I'd read in my Asian American literature class, women who often spoke out and said what they believed in, their opinions, etc were crazy. Sometimes I think of things not often though of and believe myself to be crazy.

Then I destroy the person I became dependent on. I destroyed their confidence and faith. I'm a failure.

You see, it's all a slippery slope. Like unhappy thoughts will follow other negative thoughts. That's what I'd been exemplifying the past month and a half of my life. I need help to tip the scales back. I can't wait to be that positive, enthusiastic, helpful person I believe I am :]]]



I'm ready for a challenge.
I may be small, but I can charge hard.
and I'm going to push back, and be happy.
fuck this bullshit.

Enough is Enough

Well I wish I knew how much "enough" was so that I could reach the point of what it is to give just enough of something. I'm finding it hard to be alone these days. I get extremely lonely, and then I begin feeling like I "need" someone around to help me get through the days. I have to learn to stop being so dependent on people, and be how I used to be back in the day.

When did I change so much? You'd think as people grew older they'd learn to deal with things better, but I think life just gets tougher and tougher no matter what.


The Secret left me with this: the life that we live now is a reflection of our past and current experiences. I keep thinking about this statement. Some of the things we've done in the past come back to haunt us, and sometimes the choices we made that were once considered bad just disappear. It's as if it'd never happened before, but that still adds up to what we have now. Can something that makes no difference add up or take away from the life we had before?! That makes no sense, but makes perfect sense. I'm not even making sense right now ehe.

ANYWAY.
I've decided that I'm going to work out all this week.
and next week until school starts.






My prayers go out to Mark's mom, Mark, my friends and DAD Family altogether.
Also, more specifically, for me to have the strength to be able to conquer these fears I have in my head.






2008 is not going to be so bad. I'm going to make sure of it.

I Don't Want to Miss a Thing

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
Makes perfect sense right?

What do you lose in trying?
You may get tired along the way, but if you put in the effort you may or may not obtain your goals and ambitions. There's nothing you can lose when you take chances.


I will not lose.
In it to conquer.

Chances must be taken, and I'll try and try harder at life so that I my have all the things I've ever dreamed of.

Projecting

So I'm learning to calm myself.
I'm learning NOT to project sad/mad feelings towards something neutral.
When i think about it, if someone had told me this before, I probably would have done all in my power to work on stopping this bad habit. It's because of it, I lost the one person most important to me (lost having a loose definition).

It's a little late to be trying this, but I figure I need to do something good for myself and for others including my family. I'm thinking of having more visitors come over and see me more often so that I'd be happy here at home. I learned I project feelings towards home, thus never wanting to be home. I want to desensitize being sad at home, so I want visitors.

WTF.


This is horrible. That sounds so dependent. UGH. I'm going crazy.

A NOT-SO-HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So the New Year begins...
2007 brought so much joy to my life &it's time to say goodbye to this past year, and look up to new one -- one I don't think will ever compare to the past year and a half of my life, but we'll see. I can adjust.

There aren't enough words to express how I truly feel about the past instances of my life. I've gone through so much the past year, it's hard to see the good side although I must admit there's plenty. Hopefully, if I continue to work hard, I will reach a breakthrough like I have before.

This new year hasn't started off well &I'm trying my best not to focus on it, but it's gotten the best of me.