attn!:

Today is a beautiful day -- much better than yesterday.
Some feelings keep enclosed within, and I become ornery and lose my cool.

Yesterday, as much as I can't believe (and I'm sure most of you won't believe), I had a mental breakdown. Maybe it's normal; and maybe it's not. But I don't think it's a good thing. Definitely when you crack your mom's windshield with amazing strength! HA. More money coming out of my pocket :[


I actually thought it was going to be worse than it was. I thought I would be dead by now, but it's not so bad. I told the truth. I win.

I'm excited now for tonight. Tonight we thank the Apostol's parents and wish them MERRY CHRISTMAS! YEEE!


---


Sometimes when I actually feel "needy," I ask myself why I think I feel the way I do. Then I think about the times, I had no one.

I didn't need anyone. Come to think about it, I haven't been single for about 3 years cumulative (maybe longer), and before that I was single for 3 years as well. I did great. I was fine. I could care less about guys in high school; in college too, but I met a few great people, had a couple great relationships, and now that I feel an ounce of complete independence, I take it, but I need help.

I need help to get through. I need to feel. My life is empty. I don't cry, I don't truly feel happy. I don't feel. I don't understand. I can't keep up. I'm yelled at. I'm depressed. I want to feel loved. I want to know you care about me. I want to know I have friends that aren't using me.

I WANT TO FEEL.







Maybe I feel this way because contrary to what people believe about the eldest of siblings, I AM NOT BOSSY. I do not have a high self esteem. I let my siblings walk all over me. I was born, and before I could receive too much attention, it was taken away from me by my brother; and then another brother; and then a sister, and another sister (all of which I'd taken care of). I feel that over the years, I'd lacked the attention given to most people by their parents. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I think it contributes to the way I feel -- when I feel like I do a lot for my family without having being asked; the way I feel like I can't put up a fight when I know my siblings are wrong, I back down. I don't ask for money from my parents when I need it; they don't give it. I don't mean to be so negative during this time, but x-mas time is always the time of year where there's more emphasis placed on being with someone, or be lonely.


"I'm not saying it was your fault, although you could have done more" to keep me close to you.


But we're so naive. We have too much pride.

FML.



I'll write something better tomorrow.
But, on the brighter side, I THINK I finished all my xmas shopping.
To those who didn't get gifts from me, just wait till I get a "real" job.
I bought gifts for the girls, the guys will just have to wait for something bomb later or on their birthdays, plus.. I think that I give enough of myself to compensate for the lack of material items present in your lives.

let's end with something gooooooood.







These mad me laugh. I have more.. but That's all for now.

From obtuse angles

To tell you the truth, I don't know where my last post was going.
There was no point to it. I guess in some sick way, I just feel underestimated most of the time because I'm female or because I'm "smaller," but I know deep inside although I may be defeated at times, I put up a good fight. I never give up, and I'm not a sore loser. AND IM GLAD.


Anyway, at the moment I'm working -- mostly clerical stuff, but not today! I'm actually doing labor-work. Imagine a fairly big office with TONS of paper, a million drawers, shelves, filing cabinets, etc. I'm packing it all up because our office is putting a new carpet in. In a way, I guess good carpet might make it more enjoyable to work here, but unless carpet is really really old and ugly, I don't think it needs to be changed; thus, I believe this is pointless. I could be running around outside in the beautiful rain and romanticize about things. :]



I really wonder how Christmas will be for me this year.
I don't feel lonely, so hopefully, things don't change by then.




I think that my girlfriends and I should have a slumber party soon. We can exchange gifts and watch movies and drink hot cocoa.
mmmm..


Nothing has really provoked me to write anything special lately. Do I sense some adventure? I think I needa go on an adventure! Come with?
<3

Happy Endings

I layed in bed last night studying for my 2nd final, and I put in Happy Endings. It reminded me that not everything is bad.

:]



I don't know why but I was thinking about weather or not I was a jealous person. Could it be that I am not one because I was conditioned, growing up, not to depend on my parents for attention? Or is it that I am a jealous person since I didn't receive much attention as a child?

Which one is it?
I like to think I'm not a jealous person, but could it work both ways? Gosh, jealous sounds so negative, but I guess I just long for the attention of the greatness I know to be inside of me. I long for people to acknowlege my goodness, and stop understimating me sometimes.



more later!
BRRRRREAK!

????

How could I be so irresponsible?!
I missed the due date of a paper. I can stil turn it in, but I think I may not, because by the time I finish it, the paper will already be at an F with deductions which will give me an F in the class. This makes me want to break down. As if what I'm experiencing isn't enough. I know i seem calm about all the things going around, but I'm making it that way.

It's not easy.

I was supposed to pull an all nighter last night, but what could I do?! I was at home. Homework at home doesn't motivate me when I can so easily fall asleep on my bed. Also, everytime I inhaled last night, I exhaled with at least 4 coughs. I think I might have broncchitis? I don't know how you spell the word.



I don't need your help.
Stop telling me I'm so needy.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

MAB

This is my American Beauty.


I know I've been writing a lot. I think I could write the whole day if I wanted to. My heads filled with A LOAD right now.

Anyway, I saw American Beauty a few nights ago.
My life strongly relates to the film. It rings true to my life story. I'm telling you, I could totally write novels -- make MOVIES about my life. ha.

Diamonds are Forever

and my friends are my precious diamonds.

I think my life would have been easier if I'd thought things through a bit. Things are great when your someone's friend and once you cross that line, everything changes. Transparent boundaries are set, and once it's over, you've lost one.

I don't want to lose anything, but it's lost now. And can you believe I might even lose more. UGH.

I wanna cry right now.

FORLORN

I really have no one now.
Today, I'm a changed woman. HAHA. We'll see how long this goes on for.
On the brighter side...


I played CS with Martin, Lisa and Mark last night for my first time at a PC station -- EGames to be exact hahaha. I'm glad we did it. I need to get better at it anyway. I find so much enjoyment lately from violent games. I hate violent crimes, but I seem to really like violence in film and video games.


I feel good about myself right now. Hopefully it's real confidence I have, and not that phony front I often put up. Lisa and I had a talk about this a few months ago where a lot of the girls in the group -- particularly she and I -- play with confidence. After all, there's NOTHING WRONG with us. Not at all. We're amazing girls, we know that we're not ugly. HAHAHA. It's amazing how someone that seems so confident can feel so weak inside at times. The confidence only goes so far, and then we have to stop being overly-confident as to not be arrogant or things wouldn't work out with other people. We'd be ultimate bitches.


OOO!!!

It never occured to me how much guys put up a facade too. I mean, really, it makes sense, but something really tingled my mind yesterday. This past week, Debbie asked Mark if guys really claim that they can do most of the things they "can" when they can't, and he answered something to the effect of this: "If Shantal asked me to change her oil, I'd tell her I could even though I don't know how and get oil all over myself." Thought NOTHING of this until last night.

2 nights ago, I'd experienced something that really got me thinking about the way guys are with each other -- always trying to dominate. Two of my guy-friends claimed to have had fun "fighting" with the other. One said it was funny to punk around someone smaller; the other one said it was great getting to beat up the other guy. So who's stronger? Who claims to be stronger. They're both claiming to have fulfilled some (what's the word?) prophecy? I don't know. But, neither of them were the "loser" in their stories. Could this mean it was a tie, the fight meant nothing? or does it mean that guys just really don't like to admit to loss?

Hm..

Spice up your life

Recently, Debbie, Nancy and I saw the spice girls November 15/16 in Hollywood for a Children in Need telethon. Here's some footage. It's not that great of a video, but if you look VERY CLOSELY you can see Debbie right behind Emma in the interview. AWESOME HUH?!



2:50 into it, you can see Debbie.



Last night was the Spice Girls concert that I want to thank everyone for -- for pitching in for me to have such a wonderful night with Debbie and Jenn (i suppose more worth going since she really was a fan), and Joanne. The night was amazing. It wasn't as hectic as we'd all imagined. Also, the Spice Girls put on a great show. They had no intermissions and kept the crowd entertained throughout the night.


Since I had something to talk about, I'm documenting it (NOT FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE, DEBBIE. GET A LIFE.) hehe.

I have no one

The weather today is amazing. Slightly sunny. Little windy. And cool enough. I'm happy today. It feels great to give. I know I complain sometimes about not getting things in return, but it's not because I'm greedy, it's the principle of the matter. It makes me mad that there aren't other people out there who do more. They only do bare minimums of work instead of giving. People who know they won't receive, won't give more than they have to, and why is that?! It doesn't piss me off that I don't receive back, but it'd be nice to not be the victim of my friends' and other people's short comings.


By the way, I know no one reads this, but incase you do please get me the book Short Comings by Adrian Tomine. I think it may be a comic, but I wanna read it. Sounds interesting. It raised Asian-American issues, but in the form of a comic and that's amazing. I never knew how great comics could be incorporating visual interpretation and text.


Now, to my MAIN topic.


I am so glad that Mark's mom is doing better today, and everyday. I'm happy to be of service to all my friends. I also love watching grey's anatomy and ugly betty with debbie. :]

makes my EVERY THURSDAY.

and like she said, "I have no one," but I'm adventurous and will always find a way :]

Fadal Attraction

Fatal. Yes, I knooow.

I came across something in my reading. Word for word it goes: "Every girlfriend's attractiveness fades with time... You know, the 'newness' wears off eventually, and when that happens the relationship's over, at least in my mind." [guy talking to girl] and "You could meet the sweetest, smartest girl in the world bit if I'm not just totally knocked out by her, then there's nothing there, really."

"So I figure I should start off with the highest possible level of attraction so that it'll take that much longer for it to fade." "Don't look so disgusted... Guys are just a lot more visual."

It kinda reminds me of what Debbie wrote about -- the shallowness of guys (not that girls aren't the same), but I'd been thinking a lot about this. I think that I'm an attractive, young lady. Maybe I'm not as attractive as I was before, but I have a decent face. And if my goodness isn't enough to make up for the physical properties I lack, then F YOU.

hahaha.

Have you been naughty or nice?

Oh how I wish I could say both.. or more naughty, but the time has not come yet as I am knowingly a pure sex-virgin. So it seems.

but in the context that I deliberately named my post after, I'm talking about re-evaluating yourself for once sec.

About a week ago, I (an "arrogant trick") was asked to re-evaluate myself. After giving it some thought, I'd realized that the hardest thing about the re-evaluation was that -- well, not the conclusion that I'm a good, nice person essentially, but that I had to face that other people don't see me this way. People that I really wanted to see me in a positive light don't. They couldn't list one good thing about me besides the fact that I care too much. Maybe that sums it all up in the most compressed form. I care too much about people, about friends -- and that causes me to go crazy when I don't feel like I can do it all myself. Is that SO bad

...

On another note,

I'm happy where I'm seated, and I'm reading a book/comic for my second class that's really enjoyable to read. I'd be glad to pass it down to someone for a good read. It's as if you're reading a full-on book, but it's so much better cause it's compressed and formatted like a comic. :]


I'm not going to class except for maybe my second class, but I'm hoping someone..anyone will come rescue me now from school so that I can be happy ;p


Debbie and I started our Christmas shopping last night. I bought some things for myself. I'm in dire need for a makeover, and I needed a new wardrobe. Luckily the two items that I bought last night [a pair of elf-looking pants and a plaid shirt] don't apply as a full wardrobe. That would make me look foolish.

Yesterday I felt so productive. I helped Brian with his schedule for next semester which I discovered this morning, he was enrolled in; and I shopped with Debbie, Lisa and Martin last night. There's still not holiday bustle yet, so it was great. Not much traffic in store. AND TARGET opens until 11pm. AMAZING. Well, amazing for us at the time since we thought it closed at 10pm.

I SUGGEST that no one buy anything they want this month -- the nice people anyway. Have you been naughty or nice? HAHA. Maybe you'll get what you want. We've gotten a couple gifts for some people; we have a list. And, we've stormed up some great ideas for the apostol parents. hehe.





I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY THAN THAT. More later.

I've got the month of may

It's been chilly outside the past few days, but today I feel warm. It's cliche I know, but I'm so happy it doesn't matter. Last night was amazing. Not much happened, but I had a grand time with my significant other.


Now I'm back to my daily grind, and I've been thinking.. I think I've concluded why it is I've felt this depressed feeling inside of me for the past few months, but I won't state it here. I've feeling better today and that's all that matters to me at this point.



Oh what a joy it is too to just know that your prayers are being answered, and that your friends are happy.

It's so obscure

your love.


It's funny. I notice how much my friends and I form a family it seems. It's a great family. We can do anything or say anything in front of each other and still GET MADE FUN OF -- there's no getting away from that. But I noticed that some people just have this conditional love -- like the love depends on something.

Being in a family would imply that you don't care about anything that anyone does. You don't judge whoever it is, just help and love without conditions, but it pisses me off that some people just don't grasp that idea. In fact, gossip is the BIGGEST thing that our family shares. GET RID OF IT. It's of no use dumbo!


Also today I've learned the following:
(it just keeps piling up)
.[you'd put everything before me, if you had a chance
.[seems like i don't contribute to your success
.[i'm not supportive at all
.[i complain the most out of everyone you know
.[i AM arrogant
.[i'm weak; despite all the things i've pulled myself through
.[i don't give credit when and where it's due
.[can't do anything on my own, i'm needy
.[annoying
.[nothing nice to say
.[judgemental

and last but not least (an this one's a kicker!);
this person couldn't list ANY ONE thing i've done right EVER.


It sounds so negative right?!

Surely I don't think this about myself, but some people have really made it a main objective to have me conclude that I am the worst girlfriend in the world. I will never amount to nothing even though I have a good heart. I'm good and nice, thanks to Debbie's great influences. And even through this, I will pull through. I'm little but fierce. :D



OHYEAH.

I really have to say thank you again for all the gift I received during my birthday. I'm really glad to have friends like all of you. I almost cried when I heard about who and how much each person pitched in for my ticket for the SPICE GIRLS. Thanks so much for your generosity. UGH you don't even understand how much I appreciate you all. ALL GENEROUS DONATIONS. I love you guys. and when you need it, i'll always be here for you. We are all truly blessed. Always be here when you need it!