No shame.

I've announced my retire from AP, but I feel the need to give everyone a visual so that everyone might have proof.

It's not amazing news. I really should have never put myself in AP, but adjusting to the setting of a totally different environment is something that I'm not so good at doing. I'm finally getting the hang of things (as with every other aspect of my life, not just grades).

I'm proud of myself for this, and for everything else I've done.

Beeh and I had a very good talk last night. I'm glad that you opened your mouth and I SHOT IT DOWN. I'm just kidding. Honestly, I'm truly glad that if something bothers my friends about me, that there's no fear in telling me that I've done something wrong. We'll discuss the problem, and find a way to fix things. Remember if you give me your 2cents, be ready to listen to my rebuttle, and let's meet in the middle somewhere.

Diamonds are tough.

"As with any material, the macroscopic geometry of a diamond contributes to its resistance to breakage. Diamond is therefore more fragile in some orientations than others."

Why's mine so tough?

Anyway, I'm just having trouble breaking this code..


Hmm.
Last night my grandmother started "vomitting blood."
It was only a nosebleed that was coming out by mouth due to her laying down.

Still, the doctor said it's a nosebleed due to her malfunctioning liver.
It's only a matter of time now.
Here it comes..

Impermanent brains.

So while I'm here, feel free to use my brains.

I'm bored out of my mind here!
The simplest of all jobs, and still you can't get it right.
You have me do all the work.

I love it.

I'm better than you. :]


If you're in a group where you're the smartest, you're in the wrong group.
I want to learn. I want to experience.

back up

I'm a little frustrated about my finances.
I haven't been spending on things I don't need really.
My budgeting skills have improved relatively to my not going out so much, but finals really screwed me over (since I didn't work), and I'm struggling to get through the week.

The next paycheck should be fatty, so I can't wait so I can pay off some dues and enjoy my summer a little more.

It's hard to take the hits early. I would love to so easily drop out of college, and get a job that constantly pays me, but I know that just being in school right now will ensure a job for me in the future -- not just a dead-end job, but a career. It just seems so long from now. The scary thing is that it's not so far away..

Life is so expensive now-a-days. It's impossible to get around if you can't pay for your own gas. Of course parents could just pay for everything, but my parents aren't made out of cash. My dad's been out of work for almost a year, and my mom's the only one bringing in some dough. FIVE KIDS! They can't afford it, so I have to help myself and help the family. All of us do, but it's so difficult working and going to school. I can only do one thing at a time.

I must remind myself that I'm doing well. I should really just be glad that I'm doing well and that my debts aren't crushing me, but it's got a good hold on me. I just want to be relieved already.

It's going to happen.

we're all going to die.

It's been fun hanging around -- I've had a great week/weekend.
Althought it's been fun, I've been reminded constantly about death.

Firstly, there's death of a friend.
I've been declare dead to someone, as they are dead to me.
Why I tried so much to fix things -- I don't know.

I've realized that I seek approval from my friends. I ask myself why I do the things I do. I slave over the smallest things to make my friends happy, but do I only do it to feel accepted? Yeah, that might be it.

Growing up, I was never good enough for my parents. I did my best; I slaved over homework -- worked hard to get the grades; get where I am now, and yet I still seek their approval. I get no where. They're never satisfied. They're never happy. I never get anything in return (anything I want anyway). I don't mean to sound like a brat, but sometimes I just want some space, some allowance.

I think from there, I started to stray away from family, and focus on friends to help. I helped them because it felt good. It feels great to donate some time and effort into a relationship where you're friends actually care -- everyone's happy; everything dandy until you get fed up with it too.

I made myself too available for certain people, that I started thinking, "Hey, you're not getting any appreciation for your work. Just drop it." Thus, I stopped hanging out.

I realize that there should be a balance, and maybe I realized a little too late. Back then, I wasn't aware of how available I was making myself. I'm sorry for giving so much, and taking it back. It's only fair. I'm still going to be there for my friends. I just don't want to complain about my efforts being abused when all along, they might not have been abused -- maybe I just made myself too available.



Not everything I do is for approval, but it's nice to feel like I have a purpose, you know what I mean? Now that you're gone, and a lot of others are gone, I feel purposeless. All I ever longed to do was make everyone happy. Think back about 2 years ago, everyone loved me. I didn't give a dime about those who didn't.. and then those who didn't started to love me. Then EVERYONE loved me. While I got the praise, I gave my all to keep it that way..

Then I got tired..
I exerted too much at one time, and while I tried to catch a breath no one needed me anymore it seemed. So I walked off the track and went home.


It's okay though. Things will get better as long as I do something about my past mistakes. I'm learning and growing from it.

Some of our relationships may die, but the memories never die.

--

Body worlds 3 at the LA Science Center was amazing. How appropriate that we went to see a dead body exhibit. Honestly though, it was very educational. It's something you're going to have to experience on your own.

--

Yesterday I went to visit my grandmother at her home. She's laying on her deathbed.
It's hard to see someone who's so strong, who had a motor mouth which offended people constantly (not purposely though).

While everyone seemed to never want to listen to her speak, I always sat with her just to listen. Sometimes people want to say things that no one ever wants to listen to. Maybe people don't have the time, or feel like it's just jibberish.. I loved to listen, and sometimes when you're tired of listening, it's acting like you're listening just to make your loved ones happy. She saved every letter and note I gave her. She bragged about me. Walked out during parties to tell everyone I was her favorite. She called me to ask if I missed her and told me she loved me all the time. I was her favorite.

Even when we gathered around her bed yesterday, the only person she could remember constantly was me -- she'd say my name. When my mom asked her "Who's this?" and pointed to me, she said my name, but she couldn't remember others' names. When asked how many grandsons she had she said 4 (She only has 3), and she said "see-eh. ja-din." My mom said, "heh She'll never forget you."


Truth is.. She will forget me. Her memories of me will die with her. Only I'll have memories of her..

I sat with her for a while and held her hand which was so soft.. She just stared at me smiling. She couldn't say much -- she's just too weak now. Thinking about how different she'd gotten (of course with her condition it'd be this way) -- going from bold, strong (physically and mentally), daring, insulting MOTOR-MOUTH to just a smile and a faint voice. All the spirit feels sucked out of her, and she's dying.

I was her favorite. I made her happy, and now she can barely distinguish anyone.

There's so many feelings.. I don't even know what I'm feeling..

It's been a while...

since I blogged last, hung out, etc.


I feel like I'm loooong due for one.
Having not written in a while, I'd suspect that this entry might be long, but I've been at a loss for words. I don't feel I have enough energy anymore to get riled up about the things that are "wrong" in my life.

I'm just relieved, really.
School's out, grades in, I'm fixing my relationships, everything's good, but one thing is killing me.

I wish I could just squash that ONE THING.
but, it's not up to me.
It really shouldn't be that big of a deal.


I know i'm probably bouncing around everywhere with this entry. Again, I just don't know where to start.






SOMETHING THAT SCARES ME:
MORENO VALLEY, Calif. — The National Weather Service has issued a tornado warning for parts of Southern California as the region is being pounded by wild weather including torrential downpours.

The weather service said at 4:38 p.m. Thursday that Doppler radar was tracking a tornado moving south near Moreno Valley in Riverside County.

A KABC-TV helicopter in the area has shown an overturned big rig blocking a highway and a half-dozen freight cars toppled over on nearby railroad tracks.


What the hell?!
NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO US!
but then again, we're due for a good one.
earthquake and tornadoes..

how exciting.




im just realizing how hypocritical everything is. we all strive either to prove we are not hypocritical, or we just don't give a fuck and say, "everyone's a hypocrite." Why do you say that? Is it because you're just lazy, and maybe you don't want to try to strive being better? Or is it because it's real. It's true. I really think it's true, but I still strive to be a better person.

It's not entirely bad to be hypocritical.. In fact, there's just no way to run away from it.

Example anyone? Well, friend1 says they can't trust you because you told your best friend (friend2) a secret you shouldn't have told about friend1. Friend1 disownes you, says they can't trust you. What makes friend1 think they can trust friend2 if friend2 promised ME they wouldn't say anything?

So, you stay friends with them cause they're on your side. That's all -- it's all about you isn't it? Selfish a-hole. What about me? Should I disown friend2? Wouldn't that be fair? and if i did that, and we continued that chain, who'd really have friends?!

Yeah..
Cheers to summer.

I'll see you guys around.