swim.

I read something interesting today. It read something along the lines of people always waiting for others to fail. I think there's always someone waiting for you to fail (or so it seems). Screw 'em. Who cares about them.

Don't fail then. Don't give them the satisfaction, and then if you happen to fail, keep moving. You'll eventually lose them.

Don't get distracted by them; they try to leach on to you, and bring you down with the by burying you under your emotions.

Stay strong.
Look at all the others that have made it.

Our parents never gave up -- they're still fighting.
My sister.. I've learned a lot from her.
Imagine?! a year, 8mo edward's syndrome baby has taught me so much.



We'll all make it one day.
Who's to say we haven't made it?
"Just keep swimming"

i'll take the entree. no sides.

In essence people were bound to choose who they would show more loyalty too. The smart ones stay neutral, and others, in trying to spite either you or me, made it obvious who their choice was.

And it's only natural that people do this, so I had no problem. Nothing ever phased me or got in the way. A few nights ago, on my way to the Griffith Observatory, me and a few others were in the car, and we discussed the past a little.

This is what I found out: All along, while people naturally choose sides, you were defending yourself by telling lies -- essentially. You made your path easier for people to follow. Those who were weak fell into your traps.

What are these sides?! I don't care for them, but I forgot how much you loved to eat. Well, eat up, you're gonna need it. I have enough strength to last me a lifetime. It shows in my mom, my sister. It shows in my acts of protecting you. I never once chose to exploit you. I've been defending you by not defending myself enough, and you take all these things to your advantage. Well, thanks friend.

I hope you got what you wanted.
I got mine.

On the brighter side

I've had the most fun this week.
I think that helps keep me sane, and I shouldn't forget it.

The colorful, cultural experiences I've had can not be forgotten!


4/04: Griffith Observatory. It was grand. A lot of new neat stuff there. The weather wasn't great, but the exhibits were fun. The show was amazing &I got to hold a piece of an ooooold meteorite in my hand :]








4/06: OC Animal Shelter
4/07: BP Animal Shelter: Martin, Lisa, Soch and I rescued Bongo Liger. :] So cute <333



4/08: LACMA -- BCAM Inaugural Installations Exhibit [NEW!] Went just to check out some pop/contemporary art. It was amazing. The new things they have up are just wonderful. The new elevator they have in the exhibit is fun fun fun. Clear, glass, rectangular, huge. HUGE. it's an understatement.

trying to keep my sanity

Even with all the pep talks I've gotten about school -- how I'm taking hits early to someday get paid much more than everyone else I see around me, how I'm growing up faster than most, how I'm stronger than most because school's left a bad taste in everyone's mouth -- I still can't get a grab on life, school, work, etc. I just keep slipping. I feel so anxious. Sometimes I just get so scared of everything around me that I want to curl up in a ball and just lay in a corner. Watching other students who seem happy, but may be going through the same pain as me, they hide it really well. I really don't know.

I've missed several classes due to tardiness and failure to even show up to class due to the embarrassment of walking in late, or just failure to make it at all. My sisters illness, my own illness. So many factors get in the way especially when you're constantly having to drive home, school, errands.. There's not enough time in the day. There really isn't. It freaks me out.

There's 4 more weeks of school left.
What do you do when you just can't hide anymore?

What do you do when your parents aren't home -- you don't have the support you need.

You have no more money, and you're only making enough to get to school daily.

I could say I'm being a big baby, but I'm not whining about it. I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost and disappointed in myself, but what if you just can't help the occurrences that happen in your life?

Everything seemed so out of my control, so how do I control it?

I'm so lost.

Apples with Low Fat Caramel

about a week ago, I found myself writing in the middle of class on a small note card I'd discovered at the bottom of my purse. They were short ideas, strong ideas, random things I was thinking about.

"I am not afraid to get hurt; I'm not scared of injuries -- emotional and or physical. I do not fear death. I am not a coward. Sometimes I care too much, but I've learned that I ultimately should not care and do not care about what people say about me for they are not able to judge me with validity as they possess no proper evidence. People may mistaken my ability to turn my cheek as being passive or simply the inability to protect myself. I am NOT helpless. I do not need anyone's help or pity. I am able to take these offenses without exerting violence or anger because I am at peace with myself. I am content. I know what is right, and what is wrong. I will continue to do what I think is correct. I've acquired everything I've always wanted. I have everything I could ask for. I am blessed -- truly happy, exactly where I want to be. No one should or will break my ground.

I've accomplished a lot. I forget that I have, and I criticize myself for it. Remember? You have your A.A. in Liberal Studies. You're working on your B.A. for English. You have a job and an education at USC. You've got a great boyfriend, a united family, God, hot water, shoes, health, garments to wear."

Other things I realize too..

I eat outmeal almost everyday -- something that most people can't do. I give blood to help those in need when most people are too scared. I was scared too, but I was able to overcome those fears for the well being of others. I smoke 2xs a day (WHICH IS AMAZING!) I went 36hours without a cigarette one day (not because I didn't have any or I didn't have money). I consciously fought the urge.

I feel powerful.

I am amazing.

and so are you <333
ANYONE can do anything they want!

Make those around you happpppy! :]]]]]]]]]]]