we're all going to die.

It's been fun hanging around -- I've had a great week/weekend.
Althought it's been fun, I've been reminded constantly about death.

Firstly, there's death of a friend.
I've been declare dead to someone, as they are dead to me.
Why I tried so much to fix things -- I don't know.

I've realized that I seek approval from my friends. I ask myself why I do the things I do. I slave over the smallest things to make my friends happy, but do I only do it to feel accepted? Yeah, that might be it.

Growing up, I was never good enough for my parents. I did my best; I slaved over homework -- worked hard to get the grades; get where I am now, and yet I still seek their approval. I get no where. They're never satisfied. They're never happy. I never get anything in return (anything I want anyway). I don't mean to sound like a brat, but sometimes I just want some space, some allowance.

I think from there, I started to stray away from family, and focus on friends to help. I helped them because it felt good. It feels great to donate some time and effort into a relationship where you're friends actually care -- everyone's happy; everything dandy until you get fed up with it too.

I made myself too available for certain people, that I started thinking, "Hey, you're not getting any appreciation for your work. Just drop it." Thus, I stopped hanging out.

I realize that there should be a balance, and maybe I realized a little too late. Back then, I wasn't aware of how available I was making myself. I'm sorry for giving so much, and taking it back. It's only fair. I'm still going to be there for my friends. I just don't want to complain about my efforts being abused when all along, they might not have been abused -- maybe I just made myself too available.



Not everything I do is for approval, but it's nice to feel like I have a purpose, you know what I mean? Now that you're gone, and a lot of others are gone, I feel purposeless. All I ever longed to do was make everyone happy. Think back about 2 years ago, everyone loved me. I didn't give a dime about those who didn't.. and then those who didn't started to love me. Then EVERYONE loved me. While I got the praise, I gave my all to keep it that way..

Then I got tired..
I exerted too much at one time, and while I tried to catch a breath no one needed me anymore it seemed. So I walked off the track and went home.


It's okay though. Things will get better as long as I do something about my past mistakes. I'm learning and growing from it.

Some of our relationships may die, but the memories never die.

--

Body worlds 3 at the LA Science Center was amazing. How appropriate that we went to see a dead body exhibit. Honestly though, it was very educational. It's something you're going to have to experience on your own.

--

Yesterday I went to visit my grandmother at her home. She's laying on her deathbed.
It's hard to see someone who's so strong, who had a motor mouth which offended people constantly (not purposely though).

While everyone seemed to never want to listen to her speak, I always sat with her just to listen. Sometimes people want to say things that no one ever wants to listen to. Maybe people don't have the time, or feel like it's just jibberish.. I loved to listen, and sometimes when you're tired of listening, it's acting like you're listening just to make your loved ones happy. She saved every letter and note I gave her. She bragged about me. Walked out during parties to tell everyone I was her favorite. She called me to ask if I missed her and told me she loved me all the time. I was her favorite.

Even when we gathered around her bed yesterday, the only person she could remember constantly was me -- she'd say my name. When my mom asked her "Who's this?" and pointed to me, she said my name, but she couldn't remember others' names. When asked how many grandsons she had she said 4 (She only has 3), and she said "see-eh. ja-din." My mom said, "heh She'll never forget you."


Truth is.. She will forget me. Her memories of me will die with her. Only I'll have memories of her..

I sat with her for a while and held her hand which was so soft.. She just stared at me smiling. She couldn't say much -- she's just too weak now. Thinking about how different she'd gotten (of course with her condition it'd be this way) -- going from bold, strong (physically and mentally), daring, insulting MOTOR-MOUTH to just a smile and a faint voice. All the spirit feels sucked out of her, and she's dying.

I was her favorite. I made her happy, and now she can barely distinguish anyone.

There's so many feelings.. I don't even know what I'm feeling..

It's been a while...

since I blogged last, hung out, etc.


I feel like I'm loooong due for one.
Having not written in a while, I'd suspect that this entry might be long, but I've been at a loss for words. I don't feel I have enough energy anymore to get riled up about the things that are "wrong" in my life.

I'm just relieved, really.
School's out, grades in, I'm fixing my relationships, everything's good, but one thing is killing me.

I wish I could just squash that ONE THING.
but, it's not up to me.
It really shouldn't be that big of a deal.


I know i'm probably bouncing around everywhere with this entry. Again, I just don't know where to start.






SOMETHING THAT SCARES ME:
MORENO VALLEY, Calif. — The National Weather Service has issued a tornado warning for parts of Southern California as the region is being pounded by wild weather including torrential downpours.

The weather service said at 4:38 p.m. Thursday that Doppler radar was tracking a tornado moving south near Moreno Valley in Riverside County.

A KABC-TV helicopter in the area has shown an overturned big rig blocking a highway and a half-dozen freight cars toppled over on nearby railroad tracks.


What the hell?!
NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO US!
but then again, we're due for a good one.
earthquake and tornadoes..

how exciting.




im just realizing how hypocritical everything is. we all strive either to prove we are not hypocritical, or we just don't give a fuck and say, "everyone's a hypocrite." Why do you say that? Is it because you're just lazy, and maybe you don't want to try to strive being better? Or is it because it's real. It's true. I really think it's true, but I still strive to be a better person.

It's not entirely bad to be hypocritical.. In fact, there's just no way to run away from it.

Example anyone? Well, friend1 says they can't trust you because you told your best friend (friend2) a secret you shouldn't have told about friend1. Friend1 disownes you, says they can't trust you. What makes friend1 think they can trust friend2 if friend2 promised ME they wouldn't say anything?

So, you stay friends with them cause they're on your side. That's all -- it's all about you isn't it? Selfish a-hole. What about me? Should I disown friend2? Wouldn't that be fair? and if i did that, and we continued that chain, who'd really have friends?!

Yeah..
Cheers to summer.

I'll see you guys around.

swim.

I read something interesting today. It read something along the lines of people always waiting for others to fail. I think there's always someone waiting for you to fail (or so it seems). Screw 'em. Who cares about them.

Don't fail then. Don't give them the satisfaction, and then if you happen to fail, keep moving. You'll eventually lose them.

Don't get distracted by them; they try to leach on to you, and bring you down with the by burying you under your emotions.

Stay strong.
Look at all the others that have made it.

Our parents never gave up -- they're still fighting.
My sister.. I've learned a lot from her.
Imagine?! a year, 8mo edward's syndrome baby has taught me so much.



We'll all make it one day.
Who's to say we haven't made it?
"Just keep swimming"

i'll take the entree. no sides.

In essence people were bound to choose who they would show more loyalty too. The smart ones stay neutral, and others, in trying to spite either you or me, made it obvious who their choice was.

And it's only natural that people do this, so I had no problem. Nothing ever phased me or got in the way. A few nights ago, on my way to the Griffith Observatory, me and a few others were in the car, and we discussed the past a little.

This is what I found out: All along, while people naturally choose sides, you were defending yourself by telling lies -- essentially. You made your path easier for people to follow. Those who were weak fell into your traps.

What are these sides?! I don't care for them, but I forgot how much you loved to eat. Well, eat up, you're gonna need it. I have enough strength to last me a lifetime. It shows in my mom, my sister. It shows in my acts of protecting you. I never once chose to exploit you. I've been defending you by not defending myself enough, and you take all these things to your advantage. Well, thanks friend.

I hope you got what you wanted.
I got mine.

On the brighter side

I've had the most fun this week.
I think that helps keep me sane, and I shouldn't forget it.

The colorful, cultural experiences I've had can not be forgotten!


4/04: Griffith Observatory. It was grand. A lot of new neat stuff there. The weather wasn't great, but the exhibits were fun. The show was amazing &I got to hold a piece of an ooooold meteorite in my hand :]








4/06: OC Animal Shelter
4/07: BP Animal Shelter: Martin, Lisa, Soch and I rescued Bongo Liger. :] So cute <333



4/08: LACMA -- BCAM Inaugural Installations Exhibit [NEW!] Went just to check out some pop/contemporary art. It was amazing. The new things they have up are just wonderful. The new elevator they have in the exhibit is fun fun fun. Clear, glass, rectangular, huge. HUGE. it's an understatement.

trying to keep my sanity

Even with all the pep talks I've gotten about school -- how I'm taking hits early to someday get paid much more than everyone else I see around me, how I'm growing up faster than most, how I'm stronger than most because school's left a bad taste in everyone's mouth -- I still can't get a grab on life, school, work, etc. I just keep slipping. I feel so anxious. Sometimes I just get so scared of everything around me that I want to curl up in a ball and just lay in a corner. Watching other students who seem happy, but may be going through the same pain as me, they hide it really well. I really don't know.

I've missed several classes due to tardiness and failure to even show up to class due to the embarrassment of walking in late, or just failure to make it at all. My sisters illness, my own illness. So many factors get in the way especially when you're constantly having to drive home, school, errands.. There's not enough time in the day. There really isn't. It freaks me out.

There's 4 more weeks of school left.
What do you do when you just can't hide anymore?

What do you do when your parents aren't home -- you don't have the support you need.

You have no more money, and you're only making enough to get to school daily.

I could say I'm being a big baby, but I'm not whining about it. I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost and disappointed in myself, but what if you just can't help the occurrences that happen in your life?

Everything seemed so out of my control, so how do I control it?

I'm so lost.

Apples with Low Fat Caramel

about a week ago, I found myself writing in the middle of class on a small note card I'd discovered at the bottom of my purse. They were short ideas, strong ideas, random things I was thinking about.

"I am not afraid to get hurt; I'm not scared of injuries -- emotional and or physical. I do not fear death. I am not a coward. Sometimes I care too much, but I've learned that I ultimately should not care and do not care about what people say about me for they are not able to judge me with validity as they possess no proper evidence. People may mistaken my ability to turn my cheek as being passive or simply the inability to protect myself. I am NOT helpless. I do not need anyone's help or pity. I am able to take these offenses without exerting violence or anger because I am at peace with myself. I am content. I know what is right, and what is wrong. I will continue to do what I think is correct. I've acquired everything I've always wanted. I have everything I could ask for. I am blessed -- truly happy, exactly where I want to be. No one should or will break my ground.

I've accomplished a lot. I forget that I have, and I criticize myself for it. Remember? You have your A.A. in Liberal Studies. You're working on your B.A. for English. You have a job and an education at USC. You've got a great boyfriend, a united family, God, hot water, shoes, health, garments to wear."

Other things I realize too..

I eat outmeal almost everyday -- something that most people can't do. I give blood to help those in need when most people are too scared. I was scared too, but I was able to overcome those fears for the well being of others. I smoke 2xs a day (WHICH IS AMAZING!) I went 36hours without a cigarette one day (not because I didn't have any or I didn't have money). I consciously fought the urge.

I feel powerful.

I am amazing.

and so are you <333
ANYONE can do anything they want!

Make those around you happpppy! :]]]]]]]]]]]