Longest Stretch

Everyone needs to update. We know this, but we've all grown busy -- becoming responsible adults. While it's true that I have been very busy cleaning up a mess my parents created for me, I don't really believe that's the reason I haven't really written.

I think that I no longer blog because I have no confidence in my writing. I mean, how do I compare with my talented friends? It's the same reason why I don't use my Spanish, even though I'm almost, ALMOST fluent. I'm just not confident whatsoever in my speech, thus I tend to keep quiet.

It's an interesting connection I've made to explain this phenomenon of keeping quiet. It starts off in the beginnings of my life when I was just a shy, little girl that -- well, come on let's face it -- wasn't very social or known, rather. First of all, English was my second language even though Chinese and Tagalog (being the first languages I learned) are no longer a part of me. Also, I was taught to believe by the action of hitting (my parents to me) that I was below par from anyone else I'd known. And, if I ever felt a defying moment where I was confident enough to say something worth paying some attention to, it was deemed "talking back," and I was slapped upside the head to keep quiet.

So now even at the unhappiest moments of my life, I am cautious. I don't want to tell the stories of what I've gone through in part because I feel it is embarrassing, and mostly because I feel like others will judge me as some rotten, low life who deserves this punishment.

Anyway, as negative as this sounds, logically I know that feelings do not always tell the truth. So NO, I don't believe that I am in a lower position that anyone else, but it is really hard to keep moving when invalidating forces keep pushing so hard. The important thing is to continue onward. One step forward, ten steps back. I'll fall down 7 times, but I'll get up 8.